Monday, 4 April 2011

Time for my bi-annual update *WARNING* Boring...

Well I'm back. With outstanding predictability, I have failed to update this blog for well over 6 months. I fail at the internet.

I'm here now though and that's what counts, right? The thought being better than the gift and all that? I'm rambling.

I don't really know what to post about. I could tell you, dear non existent readers, all about my recent move onto antidepressants I suppose. Long story short, they're awesome, I am now actually dead inside. Woop.

I could tell you about my failed dates. Without going into too much detail or naming any names, one of them is either totally oblivious to their actions and doesn't realise quite how much they make my brain hurt or is completely insane; the other was potentially perfect but I scared him off by being a complete psycho. (hence the earlier comment about moving onto antidepressants).

Now, I know that may sound a touch bleak, and slightly like I'm now dosing my body with drugs to get over a boy, but that's totally not the case.

Anyone who knows me will struggle to comment on my sunny disposition or positive outlook. Those closest to me would hopefully tell you that I am funny and acerbic, if not a little grim and pessimistic. That does basically stem from my near constant self loathing. For as long as I can remember, I have been "depressed". There is no real cause for it either. My life, whilst not always a fairytale, has never been too hard. My immediate family is supportive and loving, I have a small group of amazing friends and things are generally quite secure, if a little uninspiring.

That being said, there has always been a black cloud hanging over my heart, a bottomless void of misery and emo-angst at the core of my being. Whenever I have a positive thought, the little voice in the back of my mind is quick to argue with it, to quash whatever good feelings I may be having and pull me back down into its darkness. For the last however many years, I have dealt with that voice, that entity that is depression, on my own. I've never really trusted antidepressants as anything other than a temporary cover to much more complicated issues. Recently however, actual analysis of my behaviour has led me to the conclusion that the type of depression I suffer from is best categorised as bi-polar. Type 2 to be really precise.

Reading about manic episodes, followed by downward spirals into deep depression was like reading a study of my own life. Every known symptom and warning sign was something that could be used in an "About You" section of my personal profile. I want help with this, I want CBT, medication and support. In order to do this I need to go through the right channels. Because I am dirt poor, and the NHS is under funded and staffed to such a point that doctors have roughly 4 minutes to see each patient, I am now on antidepressants. This is what the doctor gave me after a 30 second consultation, and these are what I will take until I can prove that they don't work for me and move onto the next stage.

So far, I don't feel much from them, numerous things have upset me since starting on them and I find that I'm still upset, but unable to summon the energy to actually do anything about it. This may be a good thing but I can't see it myself.

I'll be off back to the doctors at some point this week, who knows what their opinion will be.

Wednesday, 1 September 2010

Ebay is stealing my soul.

Ok, so since the break up, I seem to have taken on two challenges. Because I'm organised, I'll set them out neatly here.

Challenge One:
Become the world's fattest bastard.
Over the last two weeks, I've had enough curries, burgers, pizzas and deep fried things to make a pissed Mel Gibson feel sick. I can actually feel the weight piling on around my face.

So clearly, I intend to start single life as a lonely fat bastard with curry breath with dried cheese on his face. Excellent plan there self...

Challenge Two:
Spend all your money on ebay.
This one is totally for a good cause. As some of you may know (like, those of you in developed societies. How are you getting internet if you're in an undeveloped society by the way?), Halloween is coming up soon. (59 days, woohoo!) so obviously I'm getting my costume prepared now.

This year, I'm forgoing the vampire or zombie or sexy-to-me Neo-Victorian look in favour of a movie character. Not just any character though. The dragtastic Hedwig Robinson from Hedwig & The Angry Inch!

I have spent a small fortune so far but it's too addictive to stop. I think my costume will look fantastic though, so it's totes worth it. I'll post pics when I have it assembled.

My best friend M has also relented to doing drag with me, so I'm steadily pulling an Amy Winehouse costume together for him which will look fabulous when I'm finished.

I think I hear ebay calling me now actually, I need another 99p dress.

Later y'all.

Tuesday, 10 August 2010

Times are changing

Well, time for an update methinks.

I've tried numerous times to think of a starting sentence for this, but each one hasn't seemed right. I'll cut the waffling and get straight to it. I am single.

Richard and I have finally faced up to the fact that our relationship isn't working and called it a day. After a month of distance and silence, half said sentences and barely contained emotions, Ric came into the bedroom and told me we needed to talk.

He came as close to crying as I have ever seen and that somehow made it easier for me to remain calm. Within the space of ten minutes we had each said our piece and declared the relationship over.

I can honestly say I felt nothing at this news; a kind of blanketing numbness seemed to take over and, as I contemplated the end of a 4 year long relationship, I was concerned that I wasn't more upset. During the fights we have had before I have always ended up curled in a ball, crying and screaming, the full clawing at the hair lamentation bit. This time it was different. I had a bit of a cry a little later on, when I was sorting his clothes and underwear into separate piles, but that was more through a combination of nostalgia and fear of the future.

Even the future is sorted though. We will continue to live together as friends until we are able to sell the house, as attempting to do so at the moment would more than likely bankrupt us. Ric has moved into the office, which was converted into a spare bedroom about half an hour after the breakup.

I've, rather quickly it seems, come to the conclusion that my lack of hurt or upset about the demise of this relationship has already run its course. I have known for longer than I care to admit that it had failed, so the final admittance of this fact hasn't come as a surprise. My tears have been shed and my heart has healed.

It's actually a relief that we no longer have to pretend to be in love. I do love Richard a great deal, my life would be incredibly different were he not in it and I am truly grateful for all he has given me. I'm not however, in love with him, nor he me. I know, in my heart, that had we stayed together, ignored the problems and stuck with each other no matter what, that lack of romantic love would have turned into resentment and eventually loathing. It would sadden me a great deal if I were to hate him.

I only hope that we can live together as friends, so far it seems to be working, but it's early days. Aside from the fiscal problems that would come with the separation, I would hate to be the source of any more pain to him.

Only time will tell I guess.

Sunday, 25 July 2010


Oh my god, I am trapped in my house!

This isn't a metaphor for personal angst or anything like that. I am actually locked in.
The Boy is at the Grandmother's today, in Maidenhead. That's roughly 2 million miles away and he's not due back until late this afternoon/evening. Being the security minded person he is, he's locked the one and only door into our little house.

He neglected to check the location of my keys, which are of course, in his car.

Claustrophobia is totally setting in. I'm not good in situations where I feel I can't escape. I mean, I'm in my own home, have plenty of things to do to keep me occupied and don't even really need to leave the house at all but that isn't helping the "OMG PANIC PANIC" feeling that's ripping through my chest.

Ugh, I guess I should go finish painting the bathroom. Just the glossing to do now and then it's pretty much finished.

I'm sure the walls just closed in a little. And was that a footstep I heard on the stairs?


Friday, 23 July 2010

I knew it

Ok, so I knew when I started this blog that I was likely to post once then forget my login details and never post again.


I am going to blog frequently. I will be a blogger. I blog, therefore I am. And that.

Time for the first proper blog post in a long line of posts to come.

In exactly one month, it will be my 22nd birthday. I'm reluctant to be overly joyous about this for a few reasons. Mainly, twenty two is such a non event birthday. It's past the big 2-1 and nothing as exciting as a decade milestone. I also alternate between feeling 12 and 40 on a regular basis so turning 22 seems quite irrelevant in the grand scheme of things.

The birthday though has allowed me to indulge in one of my various passions: Colour coordinated party decorations. I am in love with this site SERIOUSLY. I've just spent a scary amount of money on there buying balloons (300 of them...) and cutlery and plates and cups. All within the colour scheme of lime green, black and red. I personally think this scheme is going to look fantastic. I also dropped some cash on a pack of 20 LED tealights, which will be scattered around inside frosted jars as table lights, so when the sun goes down the place should glow in a very pretty way.

I cannot wait to decorate!

Speaking of decorating. Phase One of the grand Sort Life Out plan involves finishing the decorating of the house. Tomorrow we start with the bathroom, which has needed painting for almost as long as we've lived here. A tin of paint bought especially for this project has been gathering dust in the bathroom for slightly less time than that.

I will paint tomorrow and I will take pictures.

Exciting times :D

Friday, 12 March 2010

Dishwashers, weekends and paper mache

So, today has marked a turning point in my life. I feel like something has happened that will be a start of something good.

We have a dishwasher.

I know this may sound like a small thing, and in reality, it probably is. For me though, it's a little miracle. I will finally be free of the shackles of dish washing. No more will I base my meals around the time it will take me to clean up afterwards. No longer will I become so overwhelmed by the sheer volume of mess in the kitchen that I submit to apathy and stop tidying up after myself all together.

I can invite people over, and not dread them seeing the squalor I sometimes feel I live in.

Basically, I'm a happy bunny.

This weekend should be fun as well. There's no overtime tomorrow, so I have the day off. Ric will be at work, so I'm home alone for the day. What will I do with my time you ask? Why, I'll do what all 21 year old gay men would do with a saturday to themselves. I'll papier mache of course.

At work, we have weekly recognition events. This is done through the medium of nomination slips that go into a nominations box. Our current box is a rather tired looking thing that could use a revamp.
I decided a plain ol' box-with-a-slot wasn't enough, so I'm going to make us a Weeble. A Weeble is a small, furry creature with a big head and even bigger mouth. Their mouths open to reveal a deep cavity for nomination slips. Or something.

I'll work it out in the mache. It'll make more sense in person, I'm sure of it. I'm also adamant that I will actually go through with this. And take pictures. And upload them.

I'm aware I am insane.

I'm also determined that I will get the living room show room tidy this weekend and take the pictures I've been taking since we moved in. Nearly two years ago. We've worked damned hard to get the living room to look as nice as it does and I want to show it off. I'm proud of my little green room and want to share it with the world!

This should be a productive weekend indeed.

Wednesday, 10 March 2010

New Year (ish) New Blog

Well, seeing as it's almost 2 years to the day since I last started a blog, I thought it time to start a new one.

I really want to keep up to this, I feel like it would be therapeutic to spill the random thoughts and observations I have from time to time. It would also be nice to get the kind of selfish validation that comes only from having a blog. A blog that people read and talk about and eventually gets turned into some form of romcom, probably starring Colin Firth and some blonde woman with a posh British Accent. I can dream right?

Anyway. I'm going to come up with some form of proper post before the weekend. This is just a preliminary blog opening post to make up numbers in the future.

Watch this space.