Tuesday, 10 August 2010

Times are changing

Well, time for an update methinks.

I've tried numerous times to think of a starting sentence for this, but each one hasn't seemed right. I'll cut the waffling and get straight to it. I am single.

Richard and I have finally faced up to the fact that our relationship isn't working and called it a day. After a month of distance and silence, half said sentences and barely contained emotions, Ric came into the bedroom and told me we needed to talk.

He came as close to crying as I have ever seen and that somehow made it easier for me to remain calm. Within the space of ten minutes we had each said our piece and declared the relationship over.

I can honestly say I felt nothing at this news; a kind of blanketing numbness seemed to take over and, as I contemplated the end of a 4 year long relationship, I was concerned that I wasn't more upset. During the fights we have had before I have always ended up curled in a ball, crying and screaming, the full clawing at the hair lamentation bit. This time it was different. I had a bit of a cry a little later on, when I was sorting his clothes and underwear into separate piles, but that was more through a combination of nostalgia and fear of the future.

Even the future is sorted though. We will continue to live together as friends until we are able to sell the house, as attempting to do so at the moment would more than likely bankrupt us. Ric has moved into the office, which was converted into a spare bedroom about half an hour after the breakup.

I've, rather quickly it seems, come to the conclusion that my lack of hurt or upset about the demise of this relationship has already run its course. I have known for longer than I care to admit that it had failed, so the final admittance of this fact hasn't come as a surprise. My tears have been shed and my heart has healed.

It's actually a relief that we no longer have to pretend to be in love. I do love Richard a great deal, my life would be incredibly different were he not in it and I am truly grateful for all he has given me. I'm not however, in love with him, nor he me. I know, in my heart, that had we stayed together, ignored the problems and stuck with each other no matter what, that lack of romantic love would have turned into resentment and eventually loathing. It would sadden me a great deal if I were to hate him.

I only hope that we can live together as friends, so far it seems to be working, but it's early days. Aside from the fiscal problems that would come with the separation, I would hate to be the source of any more pain to him.

Only time will tell I guess.